|Posted on : 16th Dec 2017 15:59
||Posted by : George
This is just a way for me to vent, I dont care how you take it. Use it how you wish, I dont require your sentiments or anything else. I just need to write, as I am at peace the most with words.
Lately my life is controlled by anger but not at others, it is aimed at myself. My problems have arisen solely from my refusal to face them. Id much rather help someone else than myself, I find it rewarding. However lately I feel like the more I turn to look for an outlet the more the walls are closing in on me. Corner to corner until Im trapped. Now if anyone knows me personally theyll agree that Im a hardheaded individual and so I will sort this out on my own but outlets are few and far between and the only time I can feel like im doing something positive is when I allow anger to take over. But anger has controlled me before and I cannot handle it, so my issue becomes do I risk a few friends to better myself or do I expect them to stand by me through it all. And I find myself questioning loyalty of my friends in real life, I feel like I cant turn my back around some of them. Only my best mate really gets what Im serving up but even then it feels like uni is driving us apart.
I guess this does count as me acting the victim but seeing as Im also the one doing the majority of whats wrong then I feel its moot. This isnt me attacking anyone on here or saying I wish I were different. All in all Ive turned out a lot better than I could have, and I do make questionable choices from time to time which arent to everyones taste but at the end of the day I feel like ive helped people as well as cause people pain in my life. But then my life always revolved around myself before I flipped the switch, people that know me know Im passionate about sports but I lack the physical ability to play sports at a high level. But sports have the power to make or break me. I want to play again but I cant motivate myself to get fit and I have to have an internal battle with myself to convince me that I need it. And I do need it, sports are my crutch, everyone has one. Maybe its not as obvious but without sports I feel like id just drift through the days.
Some people know I like to write stories from time to time, nothing half decent but it does provide the escape from reality that seemingly keeps me sane. Although I again feel like nothing makes sense, I know its good for me but I lack motivation. Thats the one regret I have is my lack of determination. Im a spoiled person, privately educated and I should have been a lot more than I am but, again as many would attest to, my ego has always tried to carry me through by itself. Although it may work from time to time, its limited me and I feel like limiting myself was my biggest mistake. Everyone single one of us is meant to shine in our own little way but so many will unwillingly hide the light away, prevent it and suffer because of it. I believe if you find that one thing in your life that you know will make that light shine its brightest that you can find happiness easier. My issue is more that I see my light as flickering, moments of good masked by stupid mistakes. My list of failures is almost as long as my list of achievements, but my biggest failure right now is that I do not believe in myself. And although I do a good job of hiding it, I look at myself in a much different light than I used to.
Even now I sit here typing this wondering what else I could be doing on a Saturday night and feeling kind of bitter that everyone I would do something with is either working or not nearby. Like I havent seen my best mate since September and as soon as I see him again my day will be made, but I cant tell him that. Ill just have to act like I always do, happy enough. I feel like the word enough in my life sums it up perfectly, Ive always done enough. Ive never overachieved and Ive rarely underachieved, I always seem to scrape by. And at this point Im sure Ive contradicted myself several times but my approach is to just write what comes into my head and write it as purely as I think it. Its not something I would like to hide behind complex words or fancy stories, I have no reason to hide it. It is me.
But the bad thing is I know what I need, and its not good. My main sport was always rugby and if you dont know rugby well, it is highly physical and I loved it because you could always get frustrations out. Fairly of course. Which is the main reason I miss it so much, but Im terrified of certain things, one being getting my knee properly checked out in case Id need surgery on it, because I have a fear of surgery that has arisen from nowhere. Im much more the stubborn person who would rather not know whats wrong and struggle than know whats wrong and worry.
To end this all with some other nonsense before I tell myself to do some exercise or eat doritos. I feel like Ive burnt myself out without doing anything at all, Im not gonna use the same analogy that I did earlier but I will say that once I relight my fire that I will only look upwards. Its just how long thatll take that frightens me. Plus I want to punch my flatmate, pretty bad but passive aggressive people get under my skin after three months of dealing with it daily. Thats my head cleared, idk. Whatever happens happens.
If you wish to make fun of this do so, Im not overly fussed. chat what you wish to chat,