Sign Up
 
Log In
457 Players Online
11:46:12 MST
Level Games are currently down for maintenance and will not reward you with any MP or prizes
Marapets is mobile friendly
Marapets is mobile friendly
rehtsethewriter
  1. The one problem with giving away all your LE's...
    20th Apr 2014 08:45
    11 years, 3 months & 21 days ago
  2. <3 EEG- Thanks for participating!
    4th Apr 2014 10:36
    11 years, 4 months & 7 days ago
  3. <3 EEG- FINAL EVENT- Angel Vixen and 500k Giveaway
    3rd Apr 2014 10:16
    11 years, 4 months & 8 days ago
  4. <3 EEG: Event 3- Art Contest!
    2nd Apr 2014 10:30
    11 years, 4 months & 9 days ago
  5. <3 EEG: Event 2- Draw! Giveaway!
    1st Apr 2014 09:56
    11 years, 4 months & 10 days ago
  6. <3 EEG- WRITING CONTEST! Le/mp, item prizes!!
    31st Mar 2014 13:37
    11 years, 4 months & 10 days ago
  7. <3Early Easter Giveaway Event Log *COME HERE*
    31st Mar 2014 08:30
    11 years, 4 months & 11 days ago
  8. POST 1- EARLY EASTER GIVEAWAY (PREPERATION)
    30th Mar 2014 21:48
    11 years, 4 months & 11 days ago
  9. 2013 Jack O Lantern Pictures
    31st Oct 2013 15:17
    11 years, 9 months & 10 days ago
  10. Greedy Gurtrude Log Attempt #2
    29th Sep 2013 21:11
    11 years, 10 months & 11 days ago
Opinion on fight scene I wrote?
13 years, 5 months & 11 days ago
28th Feb 2012 20:01

Hello ,

So I am completely new with writing fight scenes and have trouble with the most basic stuff. I was just wondering if you would mind reading this excerpt (from a rough first draft) of a basic fight and maybe let me know what it needs, what's good, etc.

Thanks Smile



I put any reluctance behind me and run towards him. He stands his ground, until the last moment, and sends a left hook my way.
I side step but his strike finds my mouth. I stagger back and wipe the blood from my split lip with the back of my hand. He???s faster than I thought.
I throw a punch. He catches hold of my arm, brings it up over his shoulder and twists it. I cry out in pain, and am involuntarily sent back first into the uneven concrete.
???You are letting your emotions get in the way,??? he states firmly.

What is this, a lesson? I pull myself up, ignoring my screaming muscles and stiff joints. I shift my weight forward, plant my feet on the ground and wait.
He strikes left. I turn out of the way, and then drive my elbow into his stomach. He grunts, and backs up. Just as I think I???ve gained ground he grabs my abdomen with both arms and pushes me backwards a few feet. I lose my balance, grab for his arm, but miss. I fall back onto the metal bench, hitting the back of my head.
???Are we done yet???? he asks, panting as much as I am. I take a moment to catch my breath. This is impossible. I can barely touch him.


That's not the whole scene but it gives you an idea. Constructive criticism welcome. XD

I get what you mean. It definitely could use something more. I would love to see what you would add. Every bit helps Oh and do it whenever you can manage. I am heading off to bed now anyways.
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 21:17
 
Hmmm, I'm not sure. I think it is written quite well;; except I also think it is missing something of the sort. Everything flows - just. I think it could be slightly less choppy though. Add more detail to make it more realistic. More emotions to bring the story alive. More adjectives so I can actually visualize whats happening. Very vague advice - I can write some bits in for you after I've done my homework though. cx
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 21:07
 
made the changes
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:27
 
thanks I am absolutely awful with grammar so I appreciate when people point out my mistakes.


I'm glad you enjoyed it It was pretty difficult for me to write. To satisfy you're curiosity it is sort of a lesson. The man he is fighting is his father. The main character is sort of approaching it from a place of anger, while his father is calmly fighting him off. Almost patronizing him.
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:17
 
It filtered my Na.zi. c: Oops.
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:12
 
Well, till =/= until. So change till to until. c: It's not the shortened form (which is 'til). A comma after this in "What is this, a lesson?" Comma after ground. Lose instead of loose. No need for the capital H in "He asks,"

After attacking your grammatical errors, (sorry, I'm a bit of a when is comes to serious writing) I enjoyed the scene very much. c: Kind of interested to know if this is a lesson.
113 years, 5 months & 11 days ago 28th Feb 2012 20:10
 
  1. The one problem with giving away all your LE's...
    20th Apr 2014 08:45
    11 years, 3 months & 21 days ago
  2. <3 EEG- Thanks for participating!
    4th Apr 2014 10:36
    11 years, 4 months & 7 days ago
  3. <3 EEG- FINAL EVENT- Angel Vixen and 500k Giveaway
    3rd Apr 2014 10:16
    11 years, 4 months & 8 days ago
  4. <3 EEG: Event 3- Art Contest!
    2nd Apr 2014 10:30
    11 years, 4 months & 9 days ago
  5. <3 EEG: Event 2- Draw! Giveaway!
    1st Apr 2014 09:56
    11 years, 4 months & 10 days ago
  6. <3 EEG- WRITING CONTEST! Le/mp, item prizes!!
    31st Mar 2014 13:37
    11 years, 4 months & 10 days ago
  7. <3Early Easter Giveaway Event Log *COME HERE*
    31st Mar 2014 08:30
    11 years, 4 months & 11 days ago
  8. POST 1- EARLY EASTER GIVEAWAY (PREPERATION)
    30th Mar 2014 21:48
    11 years, 4 months & 11 days ago
  9. 2013 Jack O Lantern Pictures
    31st Oct 2013 15:17
    11 years, 9 months & 10 days ago
  10. Greedy Gurtrude Log Attempt #2
    29th Sep 2013 21:11
    11 years, 10 months & 11 days ago