stuff my parents say

making a new one 'cause the last disappeared
totes worth it

"Ok we're late so I need you to go the speed limit or faster."
"Don't stop at stop signs it's a waste of time."
"Ezra can you get my Prius keys."
"I'm gonna show up braless, maybe that'll offend her."
"Maybe I'll have an affair."
"I always did what I wanted to do 'cause I jumped up and down and had a temper tantrum."
"I swear I could write a 1000 word essay on all the N.azi references in The Polar Express."
"All these elves, the christmas tree symbolizes Hitler."
"Tell her that I am available, we are unhappily married, we're separated and I'm only staying with him for tax purposes."
"I kinda want you to lose so we don't have to go to Washington D.C."
"Except I don't want you to go to a good college, then you'll move away."
"It'll be easy to isolate, they'll just block off the roads with tough farmers."
"I turned 3G on 'cause facebook's blocked at work."
"Is this an Adele song?"
"It's like they're so stupid they can't even spell their own language."
"I don't want to get divorced until January 'cause I need to save him as a tax deduction."
"Do you see any pictures of me with a baby with a guy that looks like Mick Jagger"
"I think he has a mental illness he won't let me know his last name."
"They sure don't make songs like this about Maryland."

pretty sure all of these are from my mom 'cause my dad's boring